"The Rules" is a burgeoning list of the do's - and do not's - of life in the 21st Century. "The Rules" will focus on the technological and social aspects of today, for which traditional etiquette offers little guidance.
Although light-hearted, you should consider your behaviour carefully if you are guilty of any of the crimes against Adamo listed herein, as you thereby stand a good chance of making it onto "The List" (patent pending). And, of course, people will think you haven't been to Finishing School!
Rule 1
Do not ever, under any circumstances, wear these sunglasses.
They may be Oakleys, you might even have magnetic ears, but this is just wrong.
Rule 2
Salad is not an acceptable form of nourishment at an Australian Rules Football match. With or without dressing.
Rule 3
A biscuit is a single-use item only. It may not be nibbled at, then wrapped in a serviette to finish later. And the same goes for apples. And bananas. And Tiny Teddies. And Teevee Snacks. (sheesh!)
Rule 4
Sheer ridiculousness, in the form of sending business emails with the word
B
I
G
G
E
R
(typed as such), is beyond forgiveness.
Rule 5
Mobile phones may be set to ring, or vibrate, but never both at the same time. It is, however, perfectly reasonable to place a phone breaking this rule into a glass of water to reduce the annoyance factor. Unless, of course, the handset in question is wearing a plastic raincoat. In which case, one should immediately open a window and throw it out into the street to exorcise the demons of hammerheadness within.
Rule 6
"Lordy". No, no, no. Not even when rhyming with someone's name, as in "Lordy, Miss Claudy". Especially not when talking to oneself at a constant, just loud enough for others to hear but not quite loud enough for them to know whether you are talking to them volume.
Rule 7
Jungle Curry must always contain a generous, appetite-satisfying proportion of lion.
Rule 8
Shirts can be either tucked or untucked, but not partly tucked or untucked at different stages during the day. You never see James Bond with his shirt untucked. When in doubt about sartorial matters, James Bond is the official point of reference (with the obvious exception of the blue terry-towelling outfit featured at the start of Goldfinger).
Rule 9
Handbags, made by SMASH or otherwise, are for girls. Even if you pretend they are insulated lunch bags. Especially if you also have a purse.
Rule 10
Brides must never proclaim that they are the luckiest girl alive on their wedding day without incontrovertible proof. Especially if they have scabby knees at the time.
Rule 11
Enough said.
Rule 12
Writing on fruit is wrong.
Rule 13
"Going the vom" a few kilometres into a cycling trip is bad form. If all else fails, the sick should be swallowed (YR style) and saved for home.